I've been intending to start blogging, vlogging, or journalling again for a while. It's healthy to write. You get your experiences, dreams, emotions and etc out on paper, and it's like a weight off your shoulders. It's easier to analyze, easier to process. I have a shelf full of journals I kept from grade school through college. I wrote almost every day when I was studying in London, and when I came back I just stopped. I still write what I'm doing in an agenda, but it's not the same.
Ever since I left school, I find my self at a loss when it comes to people to talk with. There are some things you can talk about with just about anyone, and then there are things that you have to discuss with someone who knows you or you sound like a self-centered asshole. Hell, maybe sometimes I am a self-centered asshole. It's not necessarily always a bad thing. Getting into Twitch has been one of the most amazing and difficult things for me personally, and it's not one of those things you can talk about with just anyone. Even my good friends don't really understand what Twitch is, so how am I supposed to talk to them about how it stresses me out, elates me, challenges me? Greeely has been getting sick of hearing me go through the same things over and over again.
So here goes: I'm just going to plop things down here, and let go of them. I guess it's more public than a journal, but maybe sharing how I feel can help someone else who is processing the same emotions. Maybe getting it out will help me move past it myself.
Streaming on Twitch is very similar to owning your own business. You are the boss, the employee, the marketing team, and most especially, the product. When it comes down to it, whether your channel is successful or not depends solely on you. That's stressful. That gets to the very core of you. When your numbers fall, when you can't seem to reach a goal, when you see people pushing past you, rising above you- it feels personal.
Nearly everyone says "You can't compare yourself to others. Your path will be like no one elses." But you also can't go through life with blinders on. Anyone who wants to be successful is always looking forward, and when you look forward you end up seeing all the people ahead of you. It's not something I can just close my eyes to, but it's a challenge daily to not let it get to me. For all the people that have been streaming just as long as I have and gotten nowhere, there's that one that has been trying half as hard for half as long and just skyrockets. It's impossible not to notice, difficult not to react to.
So what's the solution? I wish I had one. Some days I can just forget about myself and be happy for the people around me, whom I love, that are doing well for themselves. And somedays I just want to bury my head in a pillow. And yeah, there are some days where I wonder if putting myself through all this is worth it. I've always been really hard on myself, and it only gets worse when it's something that really matters.
And that's what it comes down to. Whatever this is, this little community that we've made, it means the world to me. It means more than my job, means more than the stack of comic books I've yet to read, means more than my own mental health sometimes. Is it healthy? Ehhh maybe not. But we're all a little mad here.