When I was a kid, I used to think there was this strong dividing line between child and adulthood. One day, you would have a birthday, or sign a lease, or buy a car, and that meant that you would suddenly be an adult. All the skills you had spent your childhood learning, in school or more often not, would now be your tool kit to deal with adult life. I guess I also assumed that with this swift transition came some sort of confidence. Now I would know that whatever adult life threw my way, I could handle it. Because that is something adults do. Take it in stride. Your car breaks down, and you make a call, get it fixed, pay it off. You need to move, and it's always a move up, for adults. My life needs more space. I am a grown up with grown up needs.
I guess I never expected to be 27, stuck in a studio apartment with a boy I don't want to date anymore in a city I don't wanna live in anymore and no idea how to get from this point A to the much more ideal point C. Point C, at this point, being Seattle.
I could tell you all the reasons why my relationship isn't something I want anymore, but that's really not your business. Suffice it to say, we had an honest discussion. We are parting as friends. A bit cliche, but true. I could list another few about why Seattle is the place I have decided on, but it really wasn't that hard of a choice for me. I don't know how people usually decide where they want to live, but I love what I have seen of Seattle. I love the grey skies and the pouring rain, I love walking around in this city. I love PAX West, I love Emerald City Comic Con, I have so so many people in that city that care about and support me. I want to spend some time there. A lot of time there. So, I'm gonna live there.
I've been looking at HOUSES. Its so strange. Looking at houses that are meant for families and its just me and Erin. I don't feel like the type of person that looks at houses. It seems like so much space! What am I gonna do with living rooms and dining rooms and half baths? I've been living in a single room for the past three years. One room, to a house. Two long term relationships back to back, into something that doesn't need anyone else. To be alone. To be okay with being alone.
And here's the thing: I may not be a grown up, but I am an adult. Somewhere in me is the capacity to make decisions and live with myself. I want to be different than I am now. I want to make changes and I hope that they will be for the better. So this is what this is~ a bit of a catch up on what's been changing, and a look ahead at what I want to change still.
I want to be more comfortable with myself. Just me. I want to live with intention. I don't want to be wandering through my days with no idea what the next one has in store for me. I want to make my days better, one at a time. I want to have more direction, in both my personal and professional life. I don't want to be the person that wants to do something and never does it. It took me a goddamn year of saying I wanted a PS4 to actually get one, and another two months to plug the damn thing in. I get stuck sometimes. I want to be better at propelling myself.
I want to be more conscious of my motivations. I want to be more mindful. I want to spend some time with myself. I also want to spend more time with other people. Right now, I barely leave the four walls of my tiny house once a week. I want to get out and do things. I want to be around people every once in a while. I want to not be in my head constantly, haranguing myself about every breath I take.
I know that all of these things aren't necessarily things that I share when I'm live, and its not stuff I complain about or expound on twitter. I guess I'm giving you the opportunity to have a little bit more insight into me, "About Bluejay," Where I am and where I intend to go. Because I know some things are gonna affect the stream. Moving takes time. Unpacking and exploring my new surroundings are going to take time. Trying to motivate myself to be better isn't only a personal thing. There are so many things I want to do for and with you all. I hope this intentional metamorphosis makes the part of my time that we share all the better as well. Thank you, as always, for the unending support. I need you all more than ever. And even if the streams aren't on schedule all the time, know I make as much time for you as I am able. Because the flock is my happy place. See you later, nerds.